Monday, April 23, 2012

Why I Disappeared

I've struggled with whether or not to share this - in fact I actually wrote this a few days ago so it's been just sitting in my "drafts".  It's not a feel good story and I'm not entirely comfortable talking about it, but at the same time it feels weird for me to just ignore what happened.  

In October last year I miscarried very early.  It was heartbreaking but not crushing.  It was so early in the pregnancy that it hadn't really even set in yet.  I was told that it was most likely due to chromosomes not lining up properly and that, while unfortunate, it wasn't at all uncommon.  With Kai we got pregnant very quickly and other than her being stubbornly breech, and my platelets dropping to scary numbers, there were no real problems.  So we went on with life. :)

Then in April I found out I was pregnant again!!  We kept it to ourselves after what had happened last time, and I had some blood tests done to confirm everything was ok... only it wasn't 100% OK. :(

My levels, while rising, weren't rising as much as they wanted.  So more blood tests (yes, I'm officially a human pin cushion) and an early ultrasound showed that I was a week earlier than we thought - not at all uncommon.  A second ultrasound was scheduled to make sure everything was progressing as expected and, Wham! We saw a heart beat!!  That was just before Easter, so with a fun Easter Egg Hunt (U/S Pic in the grown up's eggs) we told our immediate family. :)

The big black blob is the sac, the small white-ish blob is the baby,
and the dark dot in the center was the heartbeat.
Then, when I should have been around 8 weeks I had my first real office appointment.  After going over everything we did a doppler reading but didn't find anything - not surprising since I was measuring only 7 weeks.  My doctor's office has the U/S in their office so I just hopped over to get another ultrasound.  At that one the Tech told me she wasn't seeing what she wanted and so wanted to do another, different, one.  While I waited for them to set that up the nurse told me that the baby didn't look like she/he had grown but they're hoping it was just the angle.  Another U/S confirmed my fears...there was no longer a heartbeat and the baby had stopped growing...but my body didn't know it!  And to  make matters worse the Hub's was gone on a quick trip to Chicago (we both thought everything was fine and for the most part, this appointment was just paperwork - we weren't even supposed to have an ultrasound).  Fortunately I have the bestest friend who will just drop by with Chinese and hang out. :)

This time was significantly harder to deal with since once we saw the heartbeat we thought we were out of the woods. That's about when I completely disappeared on you...sorry! I felt broken and sad, and I know that many people have been through similar, or worse, situations but I needed time to deal in my own way..which basically meant shutting down for a bit. :)

Our plan was to let things happen naturally but that prove to be much harder than I expected.  There was no way to tell when my body would be clued in and just knowing that the baby was there but not growing was hard to deal with.  After several days I decided that I wanted to go ahead and have a D&C to remove everything and drop my hormones back to normal.  It was absolutely the best decision for me...Afterward I started to feel like myself again and it's letting us move forward.

Anyway, that's my story.  I'm healthy and I've got Kai and the Hubs so I'm really not complaining.  Like I said earlier, I know that there are many people who aren't even close to as fortunate as we are.  I have a healthy 4 year old princess who I completely adore...even when she's been talking for 2 hours straight and has run out of real words to say so she just starts making up sounds.  lol!


  1. I'm so sad that you had to go through this! From working in the ER, I've seen this happen to many women and it's unfortunate. I'll pray for you and the family! XO - we love you!

  2. :( Sorry to hear this news. Sending good thoughts your way!

  3. Emily,
    I feel for you. Such sad news, but you are right in focusing on all the positives you have in your life right now. Such a bright future and a lucky family!